“Mom, I cried kanina because I’m not a baby anymore and we’re not going to take a bath together na”, my son painfully told me last night through video chat. Little did he know that I cried last Saturday, with the exact thought. My baby is growing up, moving on to another stage of life, and it’s another kind of grief that mothers go to every single time. Saying goodbye.
He cried again after telling me that, and it aches to see him like that without me being there to comfort him and give me a hug. I immediately called my mom and asked her to go to Jop’s room to comfort him ASAP (I wasn’t there because I had to go to a dental check-up (in Manila) and I had to stay overnight at Ryan’s place. I went home the following day.)
They’re growing up, and we have to say goodbye
I could see it in his eyes that he feels it too. He is growing up. We were both in tears and understood each other without words. We’ve come to realize that our usual dynamics as mother and son is changing. While he isn’t a grown-up man yet, he isn’t a baby anymore. These are just some of the things that children like him does to parents, and would probably stop doing.
- Calling our attention every minute to share a funny video on YT
- Waving goodbye before we send them off to school (unfortunately, they are stuck at home until God knows when)
- Asking for the company to go to the kitchen late at night to get snacks, because they’re afraid of the dark
- Taking a bath together, complete with bath toys, rubber duckies, and sponges
- The hugs and the long cuddles (although I do know some men who still hug their moms)
- The tiny hands that hold yours when crossing the street
- Every time you ask for a bedtime story, even if you fall asleep 5 minutes in…
Is this a type of heartache that all moms experience? This is my first time being a mom, and probably my last. Geof is my only son. Oh shucks, I’m crying again.
I can’t stop crying.
This is just another one, of those many goodbyes to come. At each stage of our babies lives, we always say goodbye and it’s painful, and I don’t know why.
Saying farewell when they finally attend college or introducing us to their future partners in life, or when they move out of the house. But those things haven’t happened yet. And those will be new hellos before farewells. The thing is, as parents, we have to be there for our children at each stage of their lives, and we will.
As Long as There is Love, There Will Be Grief
I don’t have any advice. Honestly. I’m taking it each day at a time. Trying to focus on the present. What is happening now. Appreciate each moment, each milestone, each memory. So before end my story for today, I’ll share with you a poem that popped up on my newsfeed, coincidentally related to my feelings.
Geof, if you are reading this, know that mama loves you very much. It doesn’t matter if you’re 10, 20, 30, 50, 60. I will always be your mother, and will be here whenever you need me (or even if you don’t lol). I am proud of who you are now, and looking forward to who you will become tomorrow. Mama’s always got your back (and front lol). I LOVE YOU.